Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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