i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
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