I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Did I show you my penis last night?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
