im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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