Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
