I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
