I think i sorta joined a cult last night
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
