Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
