I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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