I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
