Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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