So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
