somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
