I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
