I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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