Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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