I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
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