Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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