He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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