i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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