just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
