This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
