Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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