Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
