Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
