um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
