how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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