No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
