a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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