i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
You dont lie about slip and slides
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
