Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize