I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
