Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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