I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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