i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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