capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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