Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
