Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize