my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Randomize
