My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
