the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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