i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
