I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
