I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
