I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
