She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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