ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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