I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
