when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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