we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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