I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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