My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
