According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
