Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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